Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Day One

Day One
(of an undetermined number, as I might miss days out, or mess up the numbering or keep writing past my previously designated end point or something. Anyway, day one.)

I am in Hull.
I shouldn't be in Hull, I should be in Birmingham but I can't for the life of me type on the sat nav. Don't know if it's because I have sweaty fingers or something wrong at the sat nav's end, but it brought me to Hull. It dawns on me now that maybe once I passed Leeds on the M1 that maybe I was going in the wrong direction, but who am I to question such a hi-tech piece of kit. I just assumed it knew about a wormhole or a nice view that it wanted me to see on the way. Since I am now too far away from Birmingham to turn around, I phone Legless Barry to cancel our lunch appointment at the pub. Turns out he is already there and living up to his name by being legless. By getting drunk, I mean. He hasn't been in an accident. Well, not a leg-losing accident. He did get hit by a tram once when he was in Blackpool and broke his collarbone. He was legless then too. In fact, the only time I remember seeing him sober was the time when we found him locked inside a container in the lorry park that he thought was full of duty free booze but it was actually a shipment of Night Nurse. Come to think of it, since then, I've never seen him with a cold.

So, now I am in Hull I decide to park my car up in a multi-story car park and visit the shops. I do like multi-story car parks, as they have fancy barriers that go up and down and they are all concretey, reminding me of Robocop or some other lazy movie that depicts the future as a car park. I also think it incredibly clever how they don't tell you how much it is going to cost until it is impossible to escape from it's concretey, barrier filled web. Like an evil parking spider.
I like the tickets in this car park, as it is orange and white and has a magnetic strip on the back. I prefer the magnetic strip to the more visible barcode of some car parks, as it gives me a sense of mystery. Magnetism always interests me, as I don't really understand how it works, but I have seen it used to levitate a frog. I don't think the frog minded.
Also magnetism cures sea sickness. I don't know how that works either.

I make my way to the shops and buy a steak bake from Greggs. The steak bake is not my favourite Greggs pasty, the chicken bake is the best, but following the whole sat nav nonsense I am in no mood to celebrate. I also buy a chocolate milkshake.

I visit His Master's Voice (I don't like the acronym, makes the dog logo seem somewhat irrelevant) and buy myself a DVD called Inception, as I was told it was good by Lucy the girl in the shop and she has a fantastic chest, so I believe her.
I will probably watch it tonight if I can get the sat nav to work or if I find a motel room with a DVD player. I also buy myself a little Lego man with a torch in his foot and I spend half an hour sat in the food court giggling at how amazing it is. After some time I discover that it has very poor balance and needs to actually stand on the torch foot, therefore making it useless as a lamp.
I go to Boots and browse the medicines, I nearly purchase some Pepto Bismol but decide against it as it won't match the colour scheme in the bathroom (blue and white). I ask the checkout girl if they do a blue, white or possibly black (goes with anything) version, and she says she is going to ask her manager. She never returns, and after twenty minutes of waiting (passed quite quickly as I rearranged all the chewing gum packets into a pretty pattern)  I decide that she has probably got lost or fallen down a well so I leave the shop without any Pepto Bismol, in any colour.

After visiting several other shops (i bought a pair of blue socks, a bottle of red flavour oasis and a book of 6 first class stamps) and then go back to my car. I leave the car park (£6.90, evil geniuses) and go the wrong way down a one way road because the sat nav got confused. After the first mile, and a small bit of off-road action over a park I find myself back on a two-way road, cursing the sat nav that doesn't seem in the least bit apologetic.

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