Where did all that food come from last night? I haven't been to the shop since the never-again-mentioned urine slippage incident that I will never mention again and I didn't mention just then you imagined it.
Oh good grief, did I go to the shops in my drug induced stupor? I check my wallet for receipts. Yes, it seems I must have done, spending £106.23 on food and £54.99 on something listed as 'MISC ART'. I check the cupboards and find them well stocked, secretly complimenting my off-my-face alter-ego on remembering to buy the correct ingredients to make the lasagne I have mentally planned for dinner tonight. I note that no biscuits have been bought, placing the timing of my shopping list probably some time before the strange note I had left myself, telling myself to obtain lots of biscuits.
I then begin searching the house for MISC ART, finding nothing. I do, however manage to find £3.21 in loose change, a snail and a pamphlet detailing the advantages of eating more zinc.
I take the snail outside and place it beind the bins, where there is a considerable amount of rotten lettuce from an accident I had with a sandwich about two weeks ago. It was a very boring accident, and I won't bore you with the details, just saying that it was a waste of a fantastic sandwich.
Now I want a sandwich. I go to my mysteriously well-stocked kitchen and create my favourite culinary masterpiece. I now present to you, in full, the dish I like to call
DINNEH T'IS MAH FAVRIT.
1 x Barbecue Beef Flavour Super-noodles
1 x tin Peeled Plum Tomatoes
1 x tin Baked Beans
1 x pack of Bacon
2 x slices of 'toastie' thickness white bread
Heinz Tomato Ketchup
Salad (a little slice of cucumber, maybe cress if you are posh)
1. Chop the bacon up into tiny rectangles (or a shape of your choice)
2. Fry bacon.
3. Cook Super-noodles as per instructions.
4. Add beans, tomatoes, a generous squirt of ketchup, pepper and the cooked bacon to the super-noodles.
5. Butter the bread and put on a plate.
6. Pour your beany bacony tomatoey noodley mixture onto one slice of the bread. Put the second slice on top and press down.
7. Add a little bit of salad next to the sandwich to stop women complaining.
8. Eat sandwich with a garnish of monster munch or skips and a large mug of coffee (blue flavoured instant Kenco, milk, no sugar - I'm sweet enough)
SERVES ONE AS A MAIN MEAL OR TWO IF YOU ARE ON A DIET.
I am probably obliged to state that other noodle and ketchup brands are available. But they taste of shit.
After eating my delicious dinner and wiping all the bits I spilled down my jumper off, I decide I need a nap and make my way to bed.
When I jump into bed I find I am laying on top of a large canvas print featuring the alarmed face of Keith Chegwin.
MISC ART indeed.