Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Day Seven

Where did all that food come from last night? I haven't been to the shop since the never-again-mentioned urine slippage incident that I will never mention again and I didn't mention just then you imagined it.
Oh good grief, did I go to the shops in my drug induced stupor? I check my wallet for receipts. Yes, it seems I must have done, spending £106.23 on food and £54.99 on something listed as 'MISC ART'. I check the cupboards and find them well stocked, secretly complimenting my off-my-face alter-ego on remembering to buy the correct ingredients to make the lasagne I have mentally planned for dinner tonight. I note that no biscuits have been bought, placing the timing of my shopping list probably some time before the strange note I had left myself, telling myself to obtain lots of biscuits.
I then begin searching the house for MISC ART, finding nothing. I do, however manage to find £3.21 in loose change, a snail and a pamphlet detailing the advantages of eating more zinc.
I take the snail outside and place it beind the bins, where there is a considerable amount of rotten lettuce from an accident I had with a sandwich about two weeks ago. It was a very boring accident, and I won't bore you with the details, just saying that it was a waste of a fantastic sandwich.
Now I want a sandwich. I go to my mysteriously well-stocked kitchen and create my favourite culinary masterpiece. I now present to you, in full, the dish I like to call
DINNEH T'IS MAH FAVRIT.
INGREDIENTS
1 x Barbecue Beef Flavour Super-noodles
1 x tin Peeled Plum Tomatoes
1 x tin Baked Beans
1 x pack of Bacon
2 x slices of 'toastie' thickness white bread
Butter
Heinz Tomato Ketchup
Pepper
Salad (a little slice of cucumber, maybe cress if you are posh)

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Chop the bacon up into tiny rectangles (or a shape of your choice)
2. Fry bacon.
3. Cook Super-noodles as per instructions.
4. Add beans, tomatoes, a generous squirt of ketchup, pepper and the cooked bacon to the super-noodles.
5. Butter the bread and put on a plate.
6. Pour your beany bacony tomatoey noodley mixture onto one slice of the bread. Put the second slice on top and press down.
7. Add a little bit of salad next to the sandwich to stop women complaining.
8. Eat sandwich with a garnish of monster munch or skips and a large mug of coffee (blue flavoured instant Kenco, milk, no sugar - I'm sweet enough)
SERVES ONE AS A MAIN MEAL OR TWO IF YOU ARE ON A DIET.
I am probably obliged to state that other noodle and ketchup brands are available. But they taste of shit.

After eating my delicious dinner and wiping all the bits I spilled down my jumper off, I decide I need a nap and make my way to bed.
When I jump into bed I find I am laying on top of a large canvas print featuring the alarmed face of Keith Chegwin.
MISC ART indeed.

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