Discovered what day it was today by going to the shop and buying a paper. Really I don't see why I had to pay 35p to buy something just to know the date, but I felt guilty reading it in the shop.
I have decided to put my travelling and enjoying adventure on hold until the big purple and yellow bruise on my side has gone. On the off chance I am strip searched by Welsh border staff I don't want to have to explain that I slipped in old lady urine then woke up in compost. I hardly believe it myself and I was there, although for the latter part I was off my face on a biscuit rampage.
Still haven't found a green marker pen and wonder perhaps if colour-blindness was a side effect of the medicine. I check the note in my pocket and sure enough the note is written in green marker pen. This is a confusing mystery that I doubt will ever be solved. Then I find a green marker pen in the kitchen drawer, and I remember buying it last week so I could draw some grass on the patio.
The phone rings and I answer it with a pleasant "hello!", choosing to end my greeting with an exclamation mark rather than a more quizzical question mark, as this makes me sound more friendly and casual.
My happy response meets silence, and then after an uncomfortable pause I find myself talking to a foreign gentleman who says he is from Windows Security Team and he informs me that there is a problem with my computer.
I laugh and tell him I originally thought he was referring to the windows of my house which I can confidentally say are very well secure, being secured with lockable handles and additional security bolts. There is another pause and he starts talking again, telling me that there is a problem with my computer.
I don't think he understood my original confusion so I repeat myself, this time ending with a loud laugh to emphasise the humour. He repeats himself again, and now I think he is being a little thick so I explain the situation to him, the use of the same word for a glass paned viewing port in the wall of a house and the Microsoft owned personal computer operating system.
I don't really think he is listening properly, because when I say the word 'computer' he replies very loudly with 'COMPUTER!' and starts telling me about a problem on my computer.
I ask him how he knows there is a problem with my computer and he says he is from Windows Security Team. Well, obviously if anyone is going to know about a problem on my computer it will be someone from the Windows Security Team, so I accept him at his word, although I feel the need to point out that I find it unusual that someone who works with Windows has never heard the comparison between the operating system and the glass based covering for a hole in a house.
He ignores my remark and asks me if my computer is switched on. I tell him it isn't as if I want to turn the computer on I would have to unplug the charger to my electric toothbrush and I have been using it without charge for a week now and it really has non cleaning power without the motorized action supplied by a fully charged internal battery, what with the bristles being too soft and the brush head being considerably smaller than a regular toothbrush head.
I think there must be some kind of connection issue, as it appears that the phone line has gone dead. I attempt to ring him back but the number has been withheld, which is just rude as he sounded like a pleasant, if somewhat humourless fellow.
I spend the rest of my day waiting for my toothbrush to fully charge and then I brush my teeth until the battery is fully drained. I put the toothbrush back on to charge, have a quick snack of beef burgers, sausages, bacon, hash brown, beans, Mr Brain's pork faggots, super-noodles, chips and beans, followed by a Mr Kipling's Apple Pie (x 3), a mug of hot ribena, a bag of monster munch and a banana (healthy fruit option) and then I have a bath (purple flavour bubble bath), a light supper of hot buttered toast and Haribo Starmix (1 x 200g packet, minus the eggs - saved for later) and then I go to bed and go to sleep, waking at 3am because I wanted to check if my computer had a problem. It didn't. The man must have been confused. Maybe he'd be better working for a glazing firm.
Saturday, 16 June 2012