Woke up before sunrise this morning and realised I had gone to bed in the middle of the afternoon. I turn my clock the right way up and ponder how to waste my bonus morning time. I use my flip chart and red, blue and different blue markers to write a list of possible activities.
Here is my list.
1. Go for a walk in the park
2. Drive somewhere
3. Make an elaborate breakfast
4. Play with Lego
I decide that 3 and 5 are the best options for today so I make myself an elaborate sandwich which is layered as follows (starting at the bottom) bread, butter, Heinz ketchup, unsmoked bacon, frazzles, pickled onion, pickled onion flavour monster munch, a slice of cheese, wotzits, butter, bread.
The sandwich is roughly 8" tall (before squashing) and I have to dislocate my jaw to bite it. Fortunately I once fell on my face while fighting a spaniel and I have this ability. The spaniel was called Captain Pansy.
After eating the sandwich and relocating the lower half of my face using the kitchen counter I start doing 'other' which in this case involved going outside to listen to the early morning birds. Today they were making the following noises- pa tweep tweep pha wit wit wit wit pa tweep wittle wittle pweep. Now, I'm no Bill Oddie, but I reckon that means there's a nest of pelicans nearby.
The neighbours down the road are awake and arguing, apparently he has munummer fan gefannummer Tracy up the arse. I can't really hear properly but his response is along the lines of ahnemmer fun Tracy up the arse on nemmer shannamen fingering.
One of these days I will buy one of those satellite dish microphone things and get all the gossip without the muffled nonsense. Then again, perhaps I don't want to know. It seems that Tracy is not the most pleasant conversation topic.
The sun finally comes up and I watch the bin men emptying my bins. It is a treat to be able to watch the bin truck's hydraulic mechanism picking up and tipping my bin (black bin, this week) although the bin men seem a little perturbed that I am sat in the middle of my lawn smiling at them as they work.
After the bin men have gone I decide to check my emails again, as I don't think I did it properly yesterday, given that I was naked and too excited by free washing powder. I have thirteen new mails. I consider this unlucky so delete one from a Nigerian millionaire who needs my help to cash in his fortune. Normally, I would help him out but I see he has not bothered to spellcheck his email correctly and has used the word obfustigate, and I don't know what that means.
Eleven of the twelve remaining emails are pretty standard fare, but it is the twelfth that sparks my interest. I don't read it properly because the kettle boils and I want a cup of tea (PG Tips. White, no sugar - I'm sweet enough) but the subject is 'Travel the country, enjoy yourself'. I decide this is what I am going to do. Then I drink my tea and spit out the teabag that I left in the mug and just bit into.
When I finish spitting the tea-leaves out (takes quite a while as they somehow manage to hide under my gums) I get my flip chart and using my different blue pen I write the following...
"TRAVEL THE COUNTRY AND ENJOY YOURSELF
1. Learn how to use Sat Nav/buy map
2. Take a picnic
3. Avoid Leicestershire"
I now have my plan (re. Leicestershire, long story about a goat, don't ask) now all I need is to brush tea leaves out of my teeth.
My trip to Hull the day before yesterday has left me itching for more travel adventures and this email has given me new focus. I send a text to Matthew Spoons (not his real surname) inviting him along on my adventure but he replies saying that he has a problem with his pancreas and can't commit to a long term adventure plan. I think he is just lazy because I don't know what a pancreas is.
1. Learn How To Use Sat Nav/buy map
I read the instruction book to my sat nav and learn how to upload a Brian Blessed voice into it. I spend so long laughing at this that I forget everything else I have learned and forget to have lunch. I think I shall have to learn how to use it on the fly. Or on the drive. But not while I am driving. Just in case a policeman is reading.
2. Take a picnic.
I don't have much food in, having put it all in my elaborate sandwich earlier so decide to go to the supermarket.
Needless to say, the supermarket trip is uneventful and not worth writing about, if you ignore the incident with the old woman who wet herself and the accidental slip I did in the resulting puddle and the trip to A&E and the X-ray and the painkillers which have made my head feel like a pillow and my mouth tastes of tin and I need a nap.