I have soiled myself. Quite literally it seemed. No, I haven't done a poo, I am sat in a grow-bag full of compost on the bathroom floor. How did I get here?
I think perhaps I overdid the medicine I was given. Actually, I'm pretty much certain this is what has happened as the empty bottle is on the floor and someone has written 'DRUGS ARE FOOD YEAH BARRY' on the wall in shaving gel.
I spend an hour cleaning the bath out, then another cleaning myself. I have a badly bruised hip but it doesn't hurt.
I make my way downstairs and find my house has been rearranged by someone. The clock is upside down again (I fix this immediately, so as not to cause confusion later) and my flip chart has had all its sheets covered with words that may be magic spells and pictures of snails.
I spend a further two hours tidying up the house, putting things back in alphabetical order (many things were rearranged to spell the word 'GRALENICKT'. I don't know what that means.) and drinking very strong coffee (as I don't know where all my teaspoons have gone, I have to make it with a tablespoon.)
Next, I go to the garden to find the lawn has been mowed in a half-assed manner, no strimming, lines are not parallel and such. Then I find my missing spoons, arranged in an arrow, pointing at my car.
When I reach the car I find a note, written on flip chart paper in green ink.
"Pog. If you are reading this you are not dead from an overdose of prescription painkillers that you had a slight over-reaction to and subsequently went on a hallucination-fuelled rampage. If you are not, as previously stated, dead, then that is good and you can continue to read this message. In the unlikely event you are dead and reading this message, you are possibly a zombie and should proceed to killing yourself in the head immediately. Anyway, this is an important message and I want you to read it and not get"
A squirrel has just climbed down a tree across the road. He looks like he knows something I don't. Perhaps he is a hallucination from the medicine. I suppose if he were though, he'd be doing something more exciting that just climbing down a tree and washing his face in a puddle. Also, if he were a hallucination I think I would prefer to hallucinate a red squirrel rather than this, more common grey one. Simply because if I learned one thing at school (I didn't, I learned many things) then it is a fact that red squirrels are lovely and the grey squirrels are evil and killed all the red squirrels in an animal version of ethnic cleansing. I nod politely at the squirrel, just in case, then get back to the note.
"distracted. Here is the message. Pog, this is a message from you from the past. I am in surprisingly lucid state following a short bout of temporary madness, and I have had a vision. In that vision I see you fighting the forces of evil by leading the people of Earth into a crusade to buy me some more biscuits. To do this I need you to immediately leave your home, purchase enough biscuits to maintain your energy, then gather followers and make them buy more biscuits. Then when you have all the biscuits you will be the king of the world and I will be the king of the world from a day or so ago when he was under the influence of medicine that was poorly described. Now go! Go and become the king of Ipswich!"
I realise the note is complete nonsense, so fold it neatly into quarters and put it in my pocket just in case it turns out not to be nonsense later.
I gather up the spoons and make my way back into the house. I decide my best bet is to go and sleep off the rest of the medicine as for some reason I am unusually aroused.
As I make my way into my unmade, but pleasantly compost free, bed I wonder to myself - where did Me From The Past get a green marker pen?
Wednesday, 13 June 2012