Thursday, 12 July 2012

Day Twelve

Day Twelve.

Supposed to be travelling the country and enjoying myself tomorrow.

Supposed to be. Meh.

With Lucy, the girl with the large chest from the shop.

Only she rang to say she can't come.
Something about a dead parent or something.

To be fair I wasn't really listening as Deal or No Deal was on and I think I've worked out a system. Turns out if you pick box 12 first and then go for 4, 9, 11 and 5, that leaves you with a 97.2% chance of the 10p box being box 8. Don't ask me how it works because it is too complicated for modern science.
So anyway, Lucy's mum or dad or fish is dying so she can't come on my adventure and I suddenly don't want to go.
Not like I wanted her to come anyway. Not at all. I mean, if the simple occasion of a dying old person is enough to distract her from an important life changing adventure then what's going to happen if we spot a flock of starlings near the M42? Exactly. Utter nonsense. So I told her it was perfectly fine that she wasn't coming and if she ever needed to talk to anyone she should give me a call and open box 3 which contained £10,000. She hung up on me after that, as clearly something was up. Probably left some toast under the grill or something.
Remembering I myself had left toast under the grill, I put out the fire and, seeing that I had already put eight pairs of underpants in a carrier bag, I decided that tomorrow will be the day for starting my adventure, big chested companion or not. Yes.
Then I had a Goblin meat pie sandwich. And a bag of jelly babies.
Liam the Question phoned at about half past two, when I was finishing breakfast and stopping crying and suggested we go to the pub because apparently if you hit the vending machine in the right place you get free mars bars. I am meeting him in twenty minutes. Have decided to take it easy tonight though and stay away from the booze. Especially since I'm adventuring tomorrow. Anyway, see you soon.

Pash j.

Has an alcohil and

Lucy dead dad dog horse cow pig parrot invisible cow
Cows invisible danger
Liam Question is called Liam Queation

because he ask queatiobs and his name is liam. Today he asking why sausage is called sausage and not meat tube. An then has beer gin gin cocktails.

Inventioned new cocktail maybe you try it at hoome.

Pog's cocktail by Pogg
Some vodk
Same archers
Some blue curacibaobaicao
Some pernod
Some vodka
Put inn pinter glass and adda umbella
Taste bad but hahahahahagagagagagag

Goin to volmit now. You can vomit if yuo like. It is funby


Go on avdenture in morning
Slepe now

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Day Eleven

Day Eleven

The first day of preparation for our adventure went as follows...

0700... press snooze button
0710... press snooze button again
0720... press snooze button again
0730... set alarm for 0830
0830... press snooze button
0839... wake up, go to toilet
0840... get off toilet to turn alarm off, go back to toilet
0850... get off toilet to turn alarm off properly, rather than just pressing the snooze button, go back to toilet
0913... brush teeth, comb hair, floss teeth, clean out ears, shave
0917... get off toilet, wash hands
0920... make breakfast (frosties, milk)
0921... eat breakfast (frosties, milk)
0932... make breakfast (bacon butty, red sauce)
0941... eat breakfast (bacon butty, red sauce, bag of crisps, Apple)
0955... go to toilet, read book about engines (in case car breaks on adventure)
1009... look at watch, get excited by the time turning to 1010.
1010... excitement.
1027... get off toilet, wash hands.
1030... accidentally turn television on, accidentally watch cbeebies.
1428... turn television off.
1429... make lunch (goblin meat pudding x 3, beans, peeled plum tomatoes, fried mushrooms, birds eye potato waffles x 5, bag of Quavers, pint of hot ribena)
1444... eat lunch (goblin meat pudding x 3, beans, peeled plum tomatoes, fried mushrooms, birds eye potato waffles x 5, pint of hot ribena) -leave bag of Quavers as they are a bit crushed up and I don't like that.
1455... eat Quavers, disappointed by crushed up bits.
1500... toilet
1517... nap
1912... the Titanic sinks.
1957... wake up, go for a run (put bins out in rain)
2001... turn television on, watch television.
0114... turn television off. Toilet.
0122... bed.
0311... wake up, bad dream about badgers and postmen.
0444... oh four four four. I'm tired.
0511... sleep. Set alarm for 0700 for tomorrow.

Today has been an excellent day of preparation, I'm sure you agree.

Thursday, 5 July 2012

Day Ten

Ugh... Day Ten Probably. Oh good grief my mind hurts. Why did I drink the whiskey? I don't even like whiskey! It tastes of horrible and it makes my brain expand and fill my head and I hurt so much. My legs hurt and my eyes hurt and my soul hurts and I know I will never drink again. Not even if it is cough syrup. Because I very rarely get a cough anyway. Besides, strepsils are pretty damn lovely. Owwwwwwwww. Excuse me a moment. Back now. I have many bacon butties from the butty van down the road. Red sauce. Obviously. I feel much better now. I call Lucy and she gives me the silent treatment. Then I realise my phone isn't plugged in and I plug it in and then Lucy gives me the silent treatment because apparently I called her up at 3am to ask her to 'jump up and down in a wibbly booby top'. I am pretty sure I was asleep or drunk, but I have been reliably informed never to argue with a woman on matters that one does not have physical evidence to hand, for example CCTV footage, the Times Concise Atlas of the World (c.1988, before the collapse of the Soviet Union when everything had cool names) or a note from a surgeon. Previous experience tells me that having a letter from a surgeon, stating that a sturgeon is actually a type of fish, is actually very handy. She accepts my apology (I tell her I was off my face on booze I found and I she says she believes me.) We arrange to meet at the cafe in town and, since I doubt I am in a fit state to drive, I catch the bus and arrive right on time. Twenty minutes later, I realise that 'the cafe in town' was actually a very vague suggestion and there are actually many cafes. Eventually I find her at the fourth cafe I look at, and she accepts my explanation that I didn't know which cafe she was referring to on the phone. Also I buy her a large slice of Victoria sponge and she has a creamy moustache for the rest of our conversation, as I feel it would be much too rude to comment as to the state of her top lip, especially after the whole jumping up and down phone call, which may have occurred, although I may have only dreamed it. We discuss our plans for travelling the country and enjoying ourselves and write a great many things down on a piece of paper. Which I have lost. But rest assured we got all the details down, as well as a foolproof scheme for scaring away rogue buffalo, should we happen to meet any. It is decided that after two days of preparation and making sure the drugs and whiskey are fully out of my system we will make our way to our first destination which will be I make my way home, spending an hour trying to find my car in the car park before remembering that I caught the bus. Needless to say, the police officer was very kind to let me off with a mild telling off following my slight incident of 'trying-to-break-into-a-car-that-wasn't-mine-but-it-looked-like-mine-and-my-keys-very-nearly-opened-the-lock-and-i-really-shouldn't-have-picked-up-that-half-a-brick'. Eventually I arrive home, where I have two tins of cold beans and a sandwich (spam, pork luncheon meat, Bacon grill, Campbell's Meatballs (gravy) and cress) and then retire to bed. I wake up with wind at 3am, and watch shopping tv until I fall asleep. I also buy a fantastic 10-in-1 kitchen appliance that I have no idea what it is but it comes with 8 free spoons and a lifetime guarantee.