Thursday, 5 July 2012

Day Ten

Ugh... Day Ten Probably. Oh good grief my mind hurts. Why did I drink the whiskey? I don't even like whiskey! It tastes of horrible and it makes my brain expand and fill my head and I hurt so much. My legs hurt and my eyes hurt and my soul hurts and I know I will never drink again. Not even if it is cough syrup. Because I very rarely get a cough anyway. Besides, strepsils are pretty damn lovely. Owwwwwwwww. Excuse me a moment. Back now. I have many bacon butties from the butty van down the road. Red sauce. Obviously. I feel much better now. I call Lucy and she gives me the silent treatment. Then I realise my phone isn't plugged in and I plug it in and then Lucy gives me the silent treatment because apparently I called her up at 3am to ask her to 'jump up and down in a wibbly booby top'. I am pretty sure I was asleep or drunk, but I have been reliably informed never to argue with a woman on matters that one does not have physical evidence to hand, for example CCTV footage, the Times Concise Atlas of the World (c.1988, before the collapse of the Soviet Union when everything had cool names) or a note from a surgeon. Previous experience tells me that having a letter from a surgeon, stating that a sturgeon is actually a type of fish, is actually very handy. She accepts my apology (I tell her I was off my face on booze I found and I she says she believes me.) We arrange to meet at the cafe in town and, since I doubt I am in a fit state to drive, I catch the bus and arrive right on time. Twenty minutes later, I realise that 'the cafe in town' was actually a very vague suggestion and there are actually many cafes. Eventually I find her at the fourth cafe I look at, and she accepts my explanation that I didn't know which cafe she was referring to on the phone. Also I buy her a large slice of Victoria sponge and she has a creamy moustache for the rest of our conversation, as I feel it would be much too rude to comment as to the state of her top lip, especially after the whole jumping up and down phone call, which may have occurred, although I may have only dreamed it. We discuss our plans for travelling the country and enjoying ourselves and write a great many things down on a piece of paper. Which I have lost. But rest assured we got all the details down, as well as a foolproof scheme for scaring away rogue buffalo, should we happen to meet any. It is decided that after two days of preparation and making sure the drugs and whiskey are fully out of my system we will make our way to our first destination which will be I make my way home, spending an hour trying to find my car in the car park before remembering that I caught the bus. Needless to say, the police officer was very kind to let me off with a mild telling off following my slight incident of 'trying-to-break-into-a-car-that-wasn't-mine-but-it-looked-like-mine-and-my-keys-very-nearly-opened-the-lock-and-i-really-shouldn't-have-picked-up-that-half-a-brick'. Eventually I arrive home, where I have two tins of cold beans and a sandwich (spam, pork luncheon meat, Bacon grill, Campbell's Meatballs (gravy) and cress) and then retire to bed. I wake up with wind at 3am, and watch shopping tv until I fall asleep. I also buy a fantastic 10-in-1 kitchen appliance that I have no idea what it is but it comes with 8 free spoons and a lifetime guarantee.

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